I have been avoiding saying this on the internet. So I’m going to say it now because it’s probably getting confusing for you. Perhaps you are wondering, why is she posting so much? Why did she start sharing affiliate links like it was her dang job? Why did she avoid her blog for years and then dive back in?
Well… here’s what happened: in quarantine this spring, we realized we were thankful for the slow down. I know many of you felt the exact same way.
Maybe I didn’t want to teach in Brookings after all?
Maybe I did love having a home office after all?
Maybe me teaching or working online was our actual family jam?
Maybe I didn’t need a farm office or a campus office ever ever? Maybe all I really liked was group yoga classes?
Maybe this was an opening, a second chance for me to be a farm wife & stay at home mom & writer on the internet person?
Maybe I didn’t need to be a full professor in just under more two years?
Maybe it could wait five more? Or never?
Or is it just a degree that makes me a better writer & there’s no formal classroom teaching?
And, so, while I don’t have a perfect vocational plan, I do know this: I am taking a gap year from SDSU.
I am not looking for a new nanny or a new cleaning service. I am not working on going back to my pre-covid19 life. I am content.
I will finish the degree eventually, but when and with what classes, I do not know. I could take one at a time online & finish slowly. I could reapply to go back as a graduate teaching assistant. I am 12 hours or so from complete.
So for now:
I’m a farm wife, a mom, a creative, a half-baked blogger, and a spiritual direction student. (And always, daughter of the King of Kings. The primary thing that makes pivotal changes like this so much more manageable.)
With that decision we are freed up for 1,000 more.
We might homeschool and we might not. I might substitute teach and I might not. We might get a bunny. I might finish all the remodeling & organizing projects in this house.
But, we have the flexibility to extend our time with our children in their childhood. To be honest, I want to make up for some lost time of having babies back to back to back and being mostly buried in exhaustion for too many years of their tiny lives & then a whirlwind of a year of overworking at SDSU.
And this big choice is a gift, delivered up in a strange way by a worldwide pandemic.
The only thing that had to happen was for me to give up my ambition and be willing to try something else. Something more familiar. But, also more foreign, less certainty.
So, that’s what I chose to let the pandemic do to my life & I’m okay with it. Once or twice I said I was being taken down by the patriarchy (it was hard to give up free tuition & teaching experience ya’ll) and I meant it. But then with counseling & tortilla chips & salsa & wine & some cussing & crying & some undeserved grace … I got over it.
I am more than okay. Delighted. Nervous. Excited. Beyond thankful to live the life that’s already in front of me without squishing more into it until it’s all so moving so fast I can’t even see it.
I loathe vocational announcements on the internet, I loathe them in person. I’m glad this is over. I’m glad we this talk. Sorry for being so awkward. This is why I’m writing here more. This is why I’m participating in the affiliate link business model. I choose not to return my GTA job & my small bit of income from SDSU. I am starting from square one here again online as a blogger & slow-solo entrepreneur.
To be honest, I am so afraid that it won’t work, that I won’t find anything to write about that anyone cares about at a sustainable scale. That I won’t be disciplined enough to develop and launch simple products. But, I am choosing to test & to trust myself. Test writing & talking about new things. Test making new products. Trust myself to do the work & not burn out. Trusting myself & John to give up a good opportunity at the school & give more time to my family.
Good night & good day.
(Confession: I can’t wait to get out of the yuck oh-so-personal stuff & back to the fun! Thanks for bearing with me. Whew.)